My mom’s the most important woman in my life. No matter how many times she yells at me or wishes I was more like my cousins, those moments we spend together just overcome all of that. I love my mom. I’m ashamed I take her for granted sometimes.

She’s getting old now and she isn’t in shape like she used to be. My dad tells me she gets nightmares and she screams almost every night. She’s wheezing now, and she needs an inhaler every now and then. It never hit me til a few days ago. I hate seeing my mom like this. Those headaches of hers & the how she tells me she has trouble breathing at times - it breaks my heart. I just wanna take all that pain away.

I want my mom to see me graduate high school and college. I want her to see me get married and have kids of my own. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll even be here to see it all.

Everyone fears the day they lose their mother. I just pray that God will bless her with good health and more years. I’m not ready to lose her yet, but to be honest with you, I don’t think I ever will.

When people ask me how I deal with you leaving me, I tell them that we’ll get through it. That there’s not enough time to be crying over what’s inevitable. And I get a bunch of compliments on how strong I am for being able to deal with that. But at night, I question myself if I’m really that strong. I can go on about how we’re going to stay together and all that positive shit but really, I’m scared. I’m scared of waking up in the morning and remembering you’re thousands of miles away.

How do you mentally prepare yourself for something like that?

Mom, Dad; I am aware that I treat my friends better than I treat you. I’m not ashamed to admit that I do, because there is a reason behind it. It’s because you are ashamed of me. You always complain how you wish I was obedient like my other cousins, how I’m always so rude, and how passionate I am about everything. If I am always such a cause of distress, then just kick me out. I don’t need to be here if you don’t want me to. I can go elsewhere. At least my friends don’t judge me for my mistakes and understand why I do the things I do.

I do appreciate you and everything you two do for me. From giving me life, feeding me, clothing me, and giving me a chance to go to school and live in a house. Everyday I wake up in a bed and not on a street, and I’m grateful for that. And it’s because of you, I was given these things. But those are just the superficial things.

Sometimes I wish I could explain myself. I’m not (always) rude, impudent, and loud. I do not always say the harshest words, and I do not make trouble for myself and others. If you didn’t always assume the worst, if you didn’t always lecture me for the tiniest of sins, and if you gave me a reason to confide in you and not so much in my friends, maybe we could be close. All those things my friends have made available to me. Tell me, when have you ever done that for me?

I always do my best to please you. I say good morning to you every morning, greet you every time I come home, bid you sweet dreams every night, I work my hardest to get good grades (mainly to satisfy myself, but also you), and I thank you for each and everything you do for me.

Nothing is ever enough for you. And you know, I always fear that I’m just not good enough for you, no matter how hard I try to be. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of Lily, because I know you loved her more than you ever did, will, and could love me.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I just want to leave this house in peace, and leave you two undisturbed by all the stress I bring you. 

Fuck your feelings. I don’t care how tired you are. You came too far to give up now. You just keep on keeping on.

This past week, I feel like I’ve become more aware of my surroundings. So to speak, I feel like I’ve become more aware of the world, the people in it, and the shit that they go through.

And it makes me sad.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to go to, no one to depend on. Like no one understands and everyone who could just isn’t there anymore. Then I realize, God has always been there. It sucks how I take Him for granted, but I am truly grateful for everything He’s done for me and all the blessings I’ve received. And I’m happy to say that even though I can’t see Him, I’m determined to draw closer to Him.

It’s just really hard for me to accept the fact that you might actually be leaving this time. How can I just sit back and watch you & your family leave the fucking country? How do you just watch someone you’re in love with just go off like that? It still doesn’t register.

I feel so fucking useless. I can’t do shit but watch you leave. I really thought I was helping, I thought I was actually doing something. But I haven’t done a thing. And now I’m sitting here wishing that there was something I could do to help you.

We have so much yet to do. And I know that whether you’re thousands of miles away or next door, we’re still going to make it work somehow. I just wish you were here with me.

Blah. I don’t know what to say anymore.